Lostie Rangers Vs The Udders
by Lockley
Summary: A parody focusing on the Lostie Rangers battling against The Udders
1. Locke the Ironic Fitness Instructor

**Chapter One – Locke the ironic fitness instructor.**

Locke sat on top of the hatch, playing with an odd pack of cards; "Just one more move, and I'm out!" He cried pleasantly, slightly down heartened as nobody could hear him. "Wait – Where's the ace of clubs?"

Locke began to search the remaining cards, frantically searching the pack of cards for the ace. "It must be here, don't tell me it's not here!"

Realising there was no ace of clubs, Locke gave in, and put the cards back in his pocket; "Oh well, it was the pack of cards destiny to be one short. Maybe the ace is off somewhere making a life for itself. One can only hope." He told himself, standing up and stretching out. 

"Why won't you open, you silly hatch. You just want to be difficult. Oh well, it must be your destiny to remain locked."

Walking away, he stared down at his legs; it still felt odd to be able to walk, to see his legs actually moving.

_Flashback… ___

_"What do you mean not qualified for the job? I was the only one who applied!" Locke muttered irritably, sitting uncomfortably in his wheelchair. ___

_"I'm sorry, Mr. Locke" The interviewer replied, "You're just not suitable for this job, in your present condition." ___

_Without further arguing, the woman got up and walked into the staff room, leaving Locke there to ponder. ___

_"I will fulfil my dream damnit! I will be a pilot's fitness instructor! I will wear the spandex and strut my stuff! I will be a fitness instructor! Don't tell me what I can and can't do! You don't know who you're talking to!" ___

_…End Flashback_

"John" Jack greeted moodily.

"Why hello there Doctor" Locke replied, jogging up to him, and extending his arm for a high five.

"Don't leave me hanging dawg!"

"Stop that." Jack commanded in a moody tone.

"Whats up Doc?"

"Nothing." Jack replied moodily.

"You know what you need?" Locke said.

"What?" Jack asked moodily.

"A massage!" He smiled, his arms outstretched.

"Don't touch me." Snapped Jack moodily.

"Oh… I feel so alone…" Locke walked off sullenly; looking over his shoulder, in hope someone would see and take pity on him. He only wanted to be loved, that, and have two kidneys.

"I hate my life John!" Jack called after the hunter…moodily.


	2. Chicks and sherbert

Chapter Two – Chicks and Sherbet

Charlie sat there in a daze, absent-mindedly taking his hand and snorting it, realising there was no sherbet there. It had been almost a month now since Charlie had last snorted sherbet – he was deprived and suffering withdrawal symptoms. The food did not taste the same, nor did the water. But then when had water been tasty? He was only vaguely aware of Turniphead as the little baby squirmed in his makeshift cot. Crawling like a toddler himself, Charlie looked at Turniphead and searched the baby's covers frantically;

"I know you keep sherbet here somewhere Turniphead! How dare you defy me, I am a Rock God!"

"What are you doing Charlie?"

The ex-sherbet junkie turned around to look at Locke. "I believe that's my cot, I made it, therefore whatever is in there, is mine." He continued.

Charlie looked down puzzled; "You own Turniphead?"

"Yes. It's his destiny." Came his reply.

"What destiny?"

"I don't know, but you look like you could do with some fun. Have you seen my long hard hatch yet?"

"You know Locke, I don't think I have. Show it to me later. I told Boone I'd go see him and fend off those crazy chicks after him."

Once Charlie brought his body to where Boone slept, he noticed fencing everywhere, and Boone in an army helmet with paint drawn across his face.

"What you doing there Boone?" Charlie asked, trying to get past the fencing.

"Those chicks are after me!" Boone screamed, picking up a rock and hurling it at a boy passing.

"I think you just killed that boy."

"They're all the same!" Boone cried.

"So, these chicks, where are they?"

But before Boone could answer, a thousand chickens came running across the beach, clucking and gobbling as they headed straight towards Charlie and Boone.

"Oh God!" They cried together. "At least I'm safe in here, they can't hurt me!" Boone said happily.

"Hey, thanks." Charlie muttered.


	3. The Beauty and the Fatman

Chapter Three - Beauty and the Fatman

"Oh my God, where the hell is my mascara?" Shannon shouted, tipping her makeup bag upside down and searching through its contents for her mascara.

"Sorry dude; I was hungry."

"Hurley?" Shannon screamed, jumping around and looking at the big guy, black around his mouth. "You ate my makeup?"

"Yeah dude, and the kids dog?"

"Vincent?" She asked.

"Yeah, got him too." Hurley pulled out a dog collar from his back pocket.

Shannon stared at him for a moment before sitting back on the floor and sighing. What with these chicks taking up Boones time, no one was there to worship her every need. No one to tell her how pretty she was, or what a bitch she could be - what a hard life she had.

"Hey dude, you're like really pretty but can sometimes be a bitch". Hurley said, sitting next to her, creating a small earthquake in the process.

"Really?" Shannon said, raising her eyebrows.

"I hate my life Kate." Jack said moodily.

"Yeah, well I've got a really tough life - pity me!" Kate shouted back at him, adjusting her cleavage once more.

"I don't like being a doctor." He replied moodily.

"Get over it and pity me God damnit!"

"My dad hates me." Jack began to sulk, moodily sitting down and sighing.

"Yeah well, my postman hates me because I kept moving address. Now, you try and put up with that!" She said, pacing the caves.

"My postman was called Fred." Jack looked towards her, shooting her a moody look.

"Freddy Mercury?"

"No." He replied moodily.

"Hey Jack -" She began, sitting next to him and looking into his eyes.

"Yes?" Jack asked, softly but also in a moody tone.

"Does orange look good on me?"


	4. The Udders are coming

Chapter Four – The Udders are coming.

"Hey Boone, what are you doing?" Claire called, walking up to where the young Carlisle stood, wearing an army hat with paint across his face. 

"They've taken Charlie!" Boone screamed at her, waving a stick in the air. 

"Who has!"

"The Udders!" He shrieked, looking all around him and crying like a girl.

"Oh come on Boone, first the chicks, now The Udders, you're mad!" Claire laughed turning around.

"If John were still alive, he'd believe me!"

Claire twisted her head and raised an eyebrow "He is still alive Boone, he's right over there playing cards."

"Oh yeah…"

"Boone" Claire began, gesturing for him to sit down and shut up. "The Udders are not coming, they do not even exist."

"The Udders are coming and they exist!" A French voice called behind them, running around like a madwoman, which she was.

Locke in the distance stood up and went to high-five her. "Don't leave me hanging Frenchy!"

"The Udders are coming" French chick repeated.

"What do we do crazy lady?" Boone asked, running over his little fence towards her.

"You can do one of three things. Run, hide, or milk."

"Someone say milk?" Jack asked moodily, as he walked up to the French chick, swatting Locke away who still was trying to high-five him.

"Will somebody please slap me back!" Locke shouted, jumping in the air. 

"The Udders don't exist!" Claire said, moving to Turniphead and hugging him.

"That baby…he's so beautiful." French Chick said, moving to Claire and smiling at the baby.

"Stay away from us!" Claire screamed, moving backwards with Turniphead. 

"Let me hold him"

"Ah ah ah" Came Lockes voice again. "I own Turniphead. I built the cot, therefore whatever is in it, is mine. Step away from the baby, both of you."

"But I'm his mother!"

"I repeat" Locke said "Step away from the baby."

"Oh my God the Udders are coming!" A lone voice could be heard along the beach.

"We know that." Jack muttered moodily.

"Time to get milking!" Boone called, doing the power-ranger stance. "Milk power activate!"


	5. Go Go Lostie Rangers!

Chapter Five – Go Go Lostie Rangers!

"This is a bad idea Boone" Jack said moodily.

"I am a Lost Ranger Jack, preferably the green one-"

"-I thought I was the green one?" Locke cut in, turning around and looking at Boone.

"No John, we talked about this, you're the yellow one."

"But that's a girl one!" Locke said, sitting on the floor and crying. 

"We don't have time for this John." Jack snapped moodily.

"John, the yellow one was the best girl." Claire offered, looking at Boone, who shook his head.

"I want to be the green one!" John cried again.

"I'm leaving him." Jack said moodily.

"But we need him!" Boone said, "Kate's doing her hair, and John's the only one here who knows how to navigate."

"I DON'T WANT TO BE A GIRL!"

"You're not John, you're all man." Claire said, patting his bald head. 

"Don't say that!" Boone shouted.

"I hate my life!" Jack hollered moodily.

"I WANT TO BE THE GREEN ONE!"

"I'm the green one John!"

"Who am I?" Claire asked.

"The pink one."

"Oh goody!"

Everything went silent, the only audible thing being Johns steady fits of crying. Jack sat on the floor and began to write "I hate my life" in the mud over and over again, looking moody as he did so. Claire began to wrap her pink jumper around her head and prance around mouthing that she was the pink power ranger.

"John." Boone said softly, bending down to look at Locke, who just snivelled. 

"You're not the green one, because the green one has two kidn-"  
"I do have to kidneys!" Locke shouted back at him.

Boone sighed, and walked past him. "We'll just have to find Charlie without him. Come on Lostie rangers."

"No, I want to come! I'll… I'll be the red one" Locke said, offering a truce.

Silence. And then, the moody voice of Jack said –

"I thought I was the red one."


	6. I thought I was the Green One!

Chapter Six - I'm the green one!

Since it had been agreed Boone would step down and be the useless blue one, Locke had been parading and singing "All hail the green one!". Apart from his squawking, there was silence as they trod on through the jungle in search of Charlie.

"Wait..." Boone said.

"Whats that The Blue One?" Locke asked, turning around.

"Wasn't there a supercool White Power Ranger?"

"No..." 

"Yeah, yeah there was." Claire said, smiling.

"Oh, I'll be him then." Boone laughed.

"No you won't. I'm the best one."

"Get over it John."

"Oh I am SO over it." He lied, crossing his arms. "I say, the oldest one should be the leader.

"I vote the moodiest one should." Jack said moodily.

"I vote the sexiest one should!" Boone shouted.

"I LIKE FAIRIES!" Claire screamed.

Silence. 

"I hate my life."

"Who said that?"

"Who do you think?" Came the moody reply.

"Whats that! It's pretty!" Claire pointed in front of Locke.

Moving forward, the hunter picked up the piece of paper from the floor. 

"It says; 'I've gone this way. Try and catch me Lostie Rangers! Lots of love - The Udders.'"

"What could it possibly mean?" Boone asked.

"See? THIS is why you're not the green one!" Locke shouted, pushing Boone on the floor.

"We should go that way then." Jack said moodily.

"It might be a trap though."

"So we should go that way?"

"Erm..." 

"What way do we go John?"

"Yeah you're the green one."

"Yeah" 

"Yeah, where do we go, you're the green one."

"The green one."

"HEY SHUT UP!" Locke screamed.

"I don't think I like you anymore" Boone said, standing up and rubbing his leg.

Cluck. 

"What was that?" Claire asked.

Gobble. 

"What the-"

CLUCK! CLUCK! GOBBLE! GOBBLE!

"THE CHICKS!"

To be continued...


	7. The fall of the Blue One Part One

Chapter Seven – The fall of The Blue One.

Part One.

"Oh my God!" Boone cried, running to Locke and jumping on his back.

"Get off me Blue One!" He screamed, trying to buck Boone off as he covered Locke's eyes with his hands.

"I like chickens." Claire smiled, crossing her arms and shrugging.

"I hate chickens, just like I hate my life." Jack said moodily.

"They're after me John! Save me!"

Cluck.

Gobble.

"Dear Lord what was that?"

"What do we do Green One?"

"Green One."

"What do we do?"

"Yeah – Green One."

"Green."

Silence.

"One."

"Shut up!" Locke shouted, pushing Claire over and laughing.

Cluck.

Gobble.

Suddenly, a swarm of chickens could be seen on the horizon, moving closer to the Lostie Rangers. Blinded by their gleaming feathers, the Rangers lost balance – Locke and Boone falling in a heap.

"Argh, my back! I think… Oh God, I've pulled something, I can't move." Locke grimaced, clutching his back and sobbing like a girl.

"But you're the Green One!" Boone reminded him, trying to move John who had now fallen unconscious.

The chickens were almost upon them. All hope was lost.

"Jack, the Red One was second in command in the Power Rangers!" Claire screamed.

"I don't want to fight chickens." Jack moodily informed them.

CLUCK!

"We're going to die!"

And then, they saw a blinding white light – so white, it forced them to look to the ground.

And then when they looked up, they saw him.

"Wow, you're like… Whiter than Jesus."


	8. The fall of the Blue One Part Two

Chapter Seven – The fall of The Blue One

Part Two 

"This is like in Lord of the Rings." Boone said in awe.

"Huh?" Jack asked moodily.

"Yeah, when Gandalf comes back."

"Oh yeah."

And there before them stood Sawyer – the White Lostie Ranger. Dressed in head to foot in white, he wore a smug look as he picked Locke up from the floor and whispered in his ear;

"I shall heal your back."

Releasing him, he bent down and picked a stick from the floor, smacking it against Locke rather hard, sending him to the floor once more;

"Walk my brother, you are healed."

Locke stood up and gasped; "My back is better! I'm the leader again!"

"No, Sawyer is! He's the white one."

"But… The Green one…"

"The Green One is nothing compared to the White One you idiot!" Jack shouted moodily, kicking his heel and looking at Claire, shooting her a moody look.

"Ok y'all – we need to get moving. I saw Charlie not far from here, follow me."

"NO!"

"What is it John?" Boone asked exasperated.

"I want the power! Me! I want it! So you give it!" He yelled, pushing Boone.

"Oh come off it John – I'm sick to death of you, why won't you grow up?"

Locke was about to retaliate when he saw something behind Boone – a plane. When he finally looked back at Boone, something had changed in the boy, blood was smeared on his face and he was looking to the sky.

"Teresa falls up the stairs, Teresa falls down the stairs."

"Who is Teresa?" Claire asked.

"Huh?" Boone asked, wiping the blood of his face; "Oh, Teresa. A nanny. I threw her down the stairs when she neglected to give me candy."

"Hey Boone" Locke began, evil grin across his face. "In the plane behind you, is candy."

"CANDY!" Boone screamed, running to the plane and climbing into it. "CANDY!" He shouted again, rocking the plane until it began to creak.

"Get down from there Boone!" Jack cried moodily.

"CANDY CANDY CANDY!"

Smash!

The plane came crashing down, Boone's body lost in the wreckage. "He's dead!"

"Yeah, how bout that." Locke said absent-mindedly.

"Where were you Sawyer?" Jack demanded moodily.

"I was picking my teeth, why what happened?"

"Boone died!" Claire cried, sitting on the floor.

"What the? John, your eyes!"

Locke's eyes had suddenly turned black, his face pale. Claire screamed as she looked at him – those eyes were simply terrifying.

"Aren't they cool?" Locke smiled, taking out the contacts – "I found them in the plane we crashed on."

Sawyer coughed uncomfortably. "We should go. I can't really be bothered to save Boone."

"NO!" Claire screamed, running to the plane. Jack pulled her back, a moody look on his face as he did so.

"He's gone Claire. He… He's gone."

"I'm not dead…" Came a soft voice from behind them.

"What was that?"

"NOTHING!" Locke shouted, and began to march – "Lets find that Rock God!"


	9. Chicks dig the Rock God

Chapter Eight – Chicks dig the Rock God.

"We're off to the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz."

"Hey, you there!" Sawyer called to a passing scarecrow.

"Yes Sir?" He replied.

"You got the wrong story, this is Lost. You want The Wizard of Oz."

"Oh, well thank you!"

When the scarecrow departed, the silence prevailed once more, the only sound being the rustling of leaves and steady marching of feet. Claire was at the rear of the party, trying to paint her nails as she walked, stumbling along the way. Locke was in the middle, moaning to himself that he was still the better Lostie Ranger. And of course Jack was in front of Claire, walking moodily as he did, scribbling on his hand that he hated life.

"It's up here folks." Sawyer smiled, pointing to a hill not far off.

"Hey guys, what happened to those chickens before Sawyer got here?" Claire asked.

"I think Lockley forgot about them, but it still works doesn't it?"

Everybody made noises of agreement. "Hey, what's that awful noise?" Jack asked moodily, covering his ears.

"Sounds like a guitar…" Locke said.

Moving on top of the hill, they saw Charlie with his guitar, in the middle of the ground, chickens surrounded him – watching as he played an unbearable tune.

"The wheels… Yeah the wheels! On the bus! They go – yeah they go, they go round and round, round and round, you know they go round and round!"

"Charlie!" Sawyer called to him.

"Oh hi guys – I'm just playing an old nursery song." Charlie shouted back, waving.

"What? The chicks haven't killed you?"

"No, turns out chicks dig a Rock God."

"But Charlie – The Udders were supposed to have taken you! Not the Chicks!" Locke told him, confused.

"Yeah, turns out they're in cahoots. The Udders and the Chicks are working together to dominate The Island."

"You got all that from a couple of clucks?" Sawyer asked, scratching his chin.

"Charlie's God?" Claire asked innocently.

"Yeah babe, you better believe it. Where's Boone?"

"Locke killed him." Jack said moodily.

"Did not!"

"Oh my God… that's so awful…" Charlie whispered, the chicks unaware of his conversation, as they were too busy eating chicken feed, which miraculously appeared from nowhere.

"Oh well, let's go!" Charlie smiled, taking his guitar and making his way to the others.

Making their way back to camp, they all looked to each other, and turned their milk activation belts off – returning to regular islanders.

"You know." Locke said. "The Blue one was the worst one."

"We don't speak of this ok?" Jack told them…moodily.

"Agreed." They cried in unison.

"Now, there's the issue of the Udders. Since we have Charlie back – we can search for them. It's what Boone wanted. Wait… Where the hell did we leave French Chick?"

As soon as Sawyer spoke, Shannon came over to them, running and screaming; "French Chick is using my cosmetics!"

As each of them took a sigh, they stood together in a line and shouted;

"Milk Power Activate…again!"

"Right guys, we take care of the French Chick, and then sort The Udders out – agreed?"

"Agreed." The said again.

"NO! I want to be team leader!" Locke shouted, stomping his feet.

"Oh you are." Sawyer said, tapping his head – "In here."


End file.
